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A Difficult Book
So our CEO gave everyone this book called, Difficult Conversations last week and there have been all kinds of jokes about the book going on around the office. No one likes being told what to read or what can help them, I guess.
But everyone got a copy in their mail, and I, wordaholic that I am, started reading it just 'cause it was in front of me.
It was hard to read.
Mostly because the examples they had in the book probably reflected every difficult, argumentative and hard conversation I've had in my life. It was oddly a relief to know that everyone has these kinds of conversations and has them blow up so completely, and also oddly stressful and terrifying, in some ways, to read these things because of all the hooks they had into old conversations that I never felt that good about. The first third of the book was incredibly hard for me to read.
Until I hit the 'know your tendency' bit about some folks tend to blame others and other folks tend to soak up blame. I suddenly tied in the fact that I really, truly soak up blame partially because I believe that if I know that I was at fault then I can do something about it in the future. But I realize, now, that I nearly always go too far in that, especially when I'm talking with someone who really tends to want to blame others. I knew it in vague ways before it was stated so plainly, but now it's pretty damned clear.
It was odd to realize that and realize that a lot of my discomfort in reading this stuff was because I was going back to all those old conversations and thinking, "Damn... I fucked that up..." and at the same time I was also thinking, "Why do *I* have to do all the work all the time?" add to that all the old emotions of "But I can't care so much when I get hurt so badly." With the additional information, it was clear that while I have made mistakes, it isn't up to me to fix them *all* and I can't go back in time and I can do better with the people that really do care to listen to me and that lifted the worst of the reaction. Whew.
I've always thought arguments were pointless, and I've realized in the past that on the most part, whenever I've been in a strenuous argument with anyone all it does is harden each person in their position. I always thought it was just human nature and always felt kind of sick and guilty about fighting, but never really figured out *why*. This book finally gave me the key as to *why*. There are far more important and interesting things to figure out in a conversation with someone than who is 'right' or 'wrong' or 'to blame'... and it was really cool to get a concrete feeling as to why and exactly what those more useful, constructive things are and why there are so many people I really enjoy talking with. Whew.
I also realized why I actually have no problems even talking about sometimes delicate stuff with most people, but there have been three or four people that have made me feel like it was all my fault that we couldn't seem to talk about anything without a fight. While I did do stuff to escalate what was happening, it isn't just me, and it was especially important to me to figure out to really look at the fact that there are many other people that I am comfortable talking with and whom are very, very comfortable talking with me about stuff they never could talk about with anyone else. Balancing the reality of my relationships and interactions against how a few people decide to see me. But now I can see why they decided some of that, too. That was very cool to learn.
So I'd recommend this book to anyone that is terrified of talking to *someone* about something they don't want to hear.
But everyone got a copy in their mail, and I, wordaholic that I am, started reading it just 'cause it was in front of me.
It was hard to read.
Mostly because the examples they had in the book probably reflected every difficult, argumentative and hard conversation I've had in my life. It was oddly a relief to know that everyone has these kinds of conversations and has them blow up so completely, and also oddly stressful and terrifying, in some ways, to read these things because of all the hooks they had into old conversations that I never felt that good about. The first third of the book was incredibly hard for me to read.
Until I hit the 'know your tendency' bit about some folks tend to blame others and other folks tend to soak up blame. I suddenly tied in the fact that I really, truly soak up blame partially because I believe that if I know that I was at fault then I can do something about it in the future. But I realize, now, that I nearly always go too far in that, especially when I'm talking with someone who really tends to want to blame others. I knew it in vague ways before it was stated so plainly, but now it's pretty damned clear.
It was odd to realize that and realize that a lot of my discomfort in reading this stuff was because I was going back to all those old conversations and thinking, "Damn... I fucked that up..." and at the same time I was also thinking, "Why do *I* have to do all the work all the time?" add to that all the old emotions of "But I can't care so much when I get hurt so badly." With the additional information, it was clear that while I have made mistakes, it isn't up to me to fix them *all* and I can't go back in time and I can do better with the people that really do care to listen to me and that lifted the worst of the reaction. Whew.
I've always thought arguments were pointless, and I've realized in the past that on the most part, whenever I've been in a strenuous argument with anyone all it does is harden each person in their position. I always thought it was just human nature and always felt kind of sick and guilty about fighting, but never really figured out *why*. This book finally gave me the key as to *why*. There are far more important and interesting things to figure out in a conversation with someone than who is 'right' or 'wrong' or 'to blame'... and it was really cool to get a concrete feeling as to why and exactly what those more useful, constructive things are and why there are so many people I really enjoy talking with. Whew.
I also realized why I actually have no problems even talking about sometimes delicate stuff with most people, but there have been three or four people that have made me feel like it was all my fault that we couldn't seem to talk about anything without a fight. While I did do stuff to escalate what was happening, it isn't just me, and it was especially important to me to figure out to really look at the fact that there are many other people that I am comfortable talking with and whom are very, very comfortable talking with me about stuff they never could talk about with anyone else. Balancing the reality of my relationships and interactions against how a few people decide to see me. But now I can see why they decided some of that, too. That was very cool to learn.
So I'd recommend this book to anyone that is terrified of talking to *someone* about something they don't want to hear.
Re: Picking Fights
It goes more into the fact that most people that seem to be trying to pick a fight usually have something going on, probably emotionally. And that one way to defuse them and *not* leave 'em twitchy is to try and get to the bottom of why they're trying to pick a fight, acknowledge the emotion *without* agreeing with them and see if simply having the emotion acknowledge defuses the real problem, and then it doesn't leave them to go pick on someone else, too.
I liked the fact that they also point out that there are times when it's just not worth talking with them, especially if they're itching for a fight and you don't see any benefit on either side for having one.
Re: Picking Fights
With my colours on I can be just as bad as you
Have I had a glass too much ? Did I give a smile too few ?
Did our friends all catch the needle match - did we want them to ?
-- Jethro Tull, "Flying Colours"
The number one thing that gets me to fight is when someone predicts my behavior or decisions based on their prejudices about other opinions or behavior I have. "Well, you don't like Linux, so clearly you won't like source control." Me: "Huh?" Usually, sigh, followed by a lunge for the jugular. I'm not so sure *why* that burns me up, but boy does it.
Funny that it's always been the insecure alpha males that go for the ad hominem. Secure alphas (male and female) know that they just have to point me in the right direction. By all evidence I am threat on toast to the insecure ones.
That's *so* depressing. Perhaps I should be reading this book.
On the other hand, what *has* helped in a room full of shouting matches (inevitable when programmers are designing stuff) has been to say, "What problem are we trying to solve? Okay, who is going to use this thing we build? Do we know what they want and need? Okay, how much time do we have? Let's discard the options we can't do in the time available." Focusing on the problem itself, rather than the opinions, belief, or religion of the participants in the discussion, can cool people off. Though, heh, I never seem to be able to ask those questions if someone's got their finger on MY button.