The sum of all fears...

[liralen]

There is a large part of me that is convinced that in the end I am nothing but the sum of my fears. That nothing I've done, nothing I will do, and nothing that I can do will count, will matter, maybe especially to me. That all I'll have left are the things I was afraid to do for my whole life.

I'm not talking physical fears. I've played soccer, fenced, fought, and heard gunfire. I've swum, ran, climbed, jumped, flown, driven like a maniac, and gone through childbirth with no drugs. It's not pain, or physical living or dying that scares me.

It's the fears that wither the soul. The dying of faith. The slow dripping away of self-confidence and courage. It's like being unemployed or disabled, but far worse. It's being completely physically, socially, monetarily, mentally able to do something but just putting it off for another day...

At the heart of it is a terrible uncertainty. I have no central desire. I have nothing that I want to do or be more than anything else. I can do nearly anything. I want to do nearly nothing, especially if it's for myself. For me that seems a great sin to not desire anything so strongly that I would do it. Or maybe it's nothing. Nothing at all. Because, in the end, if I stay the way I have been, it will result in nothing at all.

Comments

[agrimony.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[liralen.livejournal.com]

Mmm... *hugs*

Eh. It's my angst-rant of the day.

Logically, I've done tons and there are marks on the world that I have made, but emotionally, it's just a feeling that's as empty as anything right now.

thank you for hearing it, though.

[incandescens]

And yet, you've done so much, you're married, you have a child, you've created so much, you've encouraged so much, you have so many friends.

You're allowed to doubt yourself, but you have done all these things -- and you're worth a great deal. Believe me.

[liralen.livejournal.com]

*hugs* That's good to know, that I'm worthwhile for others.

Thank you!

[kathrynt.livejournal.com]

Honey, has it ever occurred to you perhaps that while you may have no central desire, you are surrounded by otherdesires that are stronger than many people's one true thing?

[liralen.livejournal.com]

Hm. I don't think that ever did occur to me.

I don't think of them that way, though.

It is something for me to think through.

Li!

[risu.livejournal.com]

> Because, in the end, if I stay the way I
> have been, it will result in nothing at all.

Having and raising a child isn't very *glamorous* 'cause so many people do it. But, well, you shouldn't forget that it's incredibly, deeply meaningful too!! Done right, it's probably the first or second most important thing a person can do; all that science and art and politics stuff out there for people to do is just the icing. So you pretty much *can't* result in nothing.

> I have nothing that I want to do or be more than
> anything else.

I also wanted to say that you're already pretty fine! I've always been inclined to think of you as the best person in the world, and I use the superlative form literally, deliberately, and advisedly. :)

So from my being-over-doing perspective, you're doing pretty well. I mean, no wonder you don't want to be anything else! But, hm! See below.

> For me that seems a great sin to not
> desire anything so strongly that I would do it.

I do think it's healthier for you if you desire stuff. But maybe you're really tired? (Or, er, maybe you're happy, and got so used to being unhappy at some point in the past you get nervous when you don't have anything horrible you're driven to fix? That's a lower-probability thing, but I wanted to suggest.)

Or maybe you're not noticing the things you desire? I mean, if you have a really strong desire to just spend time around John and Jet, you might not notice it, because, well, you're already doing that. :)

If you *really* think you're missing a goal, then, hm. What are your criteria? I mean, are you looking for something "important" to do? Or something that you'll be specifically happy pursuing? Or something to make you into a broader person? (I can see how that might be tough to find at this point!) :) Or something that's virtuous somehow? Or something that fixes a problem that you have that you haven't described?

Personally, I think you should dedicate yourself to finding really neat Christmas presents for all your friends, but, er, that's just me. :) :) :) :) :)

Rebecca

P.S. __best__. Seriously! *nods firmly* You even beat *me* out for coolness, and that's almost unprecedented! *giggle

Re: Li!

[liralen.livejournal.com]

Well... hm... Jet could die young, for all I know. But he is a pretty important job for me, right now, and I do take that seriously. It helps having a partner who has also given up part of his career stuff to take care of Jet, too, to know that Jet's important for both of us.

*blushes* for the praise, but I thank you for the fact that they are heartfelt.

I think you've hit some of it. I am used to being not so much unhappy as... uhm... not content, not... fulfilled? Always being driven. Always having something that needs to be made better. Stress-puppy is another good word for it. I do feel somewhat lost without a strong driver at the moment.

And some of it *is* ignoring the things that I am obsessed with at the moment. I am obsessed, in a good and useful way, with Jet and John and having time to play with Jet and encourage him and be there for him. To listen and talk and be. And it is, probably, because I'm doing that all the time.

The paragraph if questions is a very good thing for me. I have a feeling that some of it is the definition of 'important'. And the question of 'happy' doesn't seem to be an issue. I'm not worried about being happy or not. For some reason, happiness, in and of itself, doesn't seem to be a driver that seems 'important' enough for me. It's the whole, doing something 'real'/'important' that is going on. It's the whole issue of being everything I can be and part of my being is tied, intrinsically, with doing... as my own description of myself seems to only have to do with what I've done or am doing or would do. I like your approach better, but I can't seem to crane my emotional/mental self around enough to really think or act or be that way, yet. Too much ingrained stuff, perhaps, or maybe I'll have to just accept that that is just how I am.

I think virtue has something to do with it. But virtue in the same sense as Te (versus Tao), in a sense that may have more to do with power and intrinsic reality of being rather than do-good stuff. What is my virtue? What am I at heart? What powers have I that should be unleashed to further the virtue of reality? What am I?

There is a part of me that believes I have no virtue, whatsoever. Another that believes I have all the virtue any child has ever had. Another that simply questions what is it that I am, and how can I express that in a way that is meaningful? They all just are, not right or wrong, but the mix gets confusing sometimes and I'm trying to make some sense of it.

Or maybe it just has to boil down to writing a piece of fiction that gets published. Which I've done, but maybe it has to be novel sized to 'count' or some silliness like that. Maybe I should do a YA book and get that out from under my skin and then hit something complex and angstful or something. Bah. Maybe that's just the 'next thing' after the embedded systems, GUIs, wedding ring shawls, soccer fun, and other stuff... Or maybe I should just dedicate myself to running a game at DunDraCon and be done with that, too. Small goals.

Better to do the Christmas presents, I think. I like Christmas presents and doing them well.

*hugs* for the _best_. I blush, but I'm glad that you get something out of interacting with me. It helps in a different manner entirely than the virtue thing. Squash the Black Lagoon for a while, and keep it down and maybe I can act while it's looking the other way...

thank yo

Re: Li!

[risu.livejournal.com]

*giggle*

I would very much approve of a desire/goal to figure out your virtue and what you are at heart! I think that would be an actual goal/aim, rather than the lack of one?

(It had *better* be an actual goal, considering how much time I spend refining my answers. :)

I'm not really *formally* sure how you go about this. But I'd start by explaining what and who you are to someone and listening to what comes out! Do this often enough, and get interesting enough questions, and your answers will start to gain small pinprick areas of precision and confidence. Maybe eventually you'll get the whole thing! I understand that meditation and/or spiritual/religious/magical stuff can help, too.

The Rebecca-gum

Re: Li!

[liralen.livejournal.com]

Oooo! Good point!

Hmm... I like that as a goal/thing to do/way to practice....

Hee. Language is such an interesting thing.

*hugs* and many thanks.

[silkiemom.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Sometimes I worry that I don't have any long term goals or dreams. About two years ago, my sister had made a list of 10 things she wanted to accomplish within the next year - start learning a foreign language, go to Europe, run a marathon - that kind of thing. She encouraged me to make a list of ten things that I wanted to accomplish, and all I could come up with was "Mop the kitchen floor." Maybe we're too busy to figure out the bigger picture? I think kids can do that to you. :)

Anyway, I think you're doing a lot with your life. *hugs*

[liralen.livejournal.com]

I think you have it. My list, at the moment seems to be, constantly:

• Get some sleep.
• Eat and get Jet to eat *something*.
• Get Jet to nap so I can work.
• Play with Jet.
• Fit some work in.
• Get more sleep.
• Maybe write some journal so I know where my head is.

Definitely not long term.

I think I have been way too busy to look anywhere, and it's catching up to me in an unhappy kind of way. Then Jet does something and makes me remember, "Okay, this is a good, long-term goal right here...

*hugs* for the encouragement. I am doing a lot at the moment, but sometimes it feels like I'm not getting anything done... that's all.

You Are Not Alone!

[(Anonymous)]

Believe me, you're not alone.

--Beth, going to rescue Iolanthe from dangling over her rocking horse