Bad Feeling Day...

[liralen]

Jet, our alarm clock, didn't get up until 8 am, because it was overcast this morning. It's the first time in a while when I woke up going, "Shit, I'm supposed to BE IN a meeting right now."

I threw myself out the door, had a good, productive meeting, then ran another one, then finished off the hanging threads from the first...

and realized I'd stood up my division director (my new boss) for our 1:1. I hate that.

I walked in and apologized. He was fine with it, and had gotten something done that he'd really wanted done. We had ten good minutes and he was dragged off to another meeting. Poor guy.

Then I had a horrible afternoon of guilt and rage. Just me wallowing in the fact that I fucked up. There's some part of my brain beating on me for even TRYING these exhaulted altitudes because I MIGHT FAIL. (stupid brain bit) I hate not being able to fix things that have already happened. I had lunch. It was a beer and brat lunch for the site. Then I worked on stuff, and missed a class I wanted to go to from 2-4 as there's just too fucking much to get done.

On Monday, I get to make a presentation to the boss of my boss and that person's staff. I'm scared to death. I'm going to practice over the weekend. I'll do fine. I'm still scared.

It's a bit too much on top of everything else to even contemplate it. Like a still, snapped mousetrap in the corner. I just don't have the guts to look sometimes. Other times I'm brave brave brave. Right now I'm too run down to be brave anymore.