Dreaming Again, She/He/They, and Healing

[liralen]

I'm dreaming again.

One of the side effects of the asthma drug I was taking was "vivid dreams". A lot of the wildest dreams I used to write about were when I was on the stuff. When I stopped taking it, I stopped dreaming. And with the sleep problems, I guess I wasn't getting much REM sleep. But... now that I seem to have worked out a new sleep regimen I'm regularly getting six to eight hours of sleep a night and, miracle of miracles, I'm dreaming again.

Jet recommended the anime Demon Slayer to me, so I've been watching it and it's been feeding my dreams interesting materials. Before that, it was mostly Hades and even Deep Rock Galactic. But between Demon Slayer's art and motion (and the water animation is amazing) I'm now getting some distinct images at night and situations and sequencing in bright color and sound again. 

And with the sleep, I seem to have also managed to make good progress with the healing of that tooth. It makes me aware when I bite on it, but no longer shoots pangs of pain. I also found a primary care doctor who is actually a nurse practitioner with good, young sense. I found a therapist on BetterHelp (if you want, you can get a week free with this link) whom I love. It took me a second try, as the first therapist was a nice little old lady in Florida who was very taken aback when I said that I pretty much had to pass as male to be an engineer and who then spouted some stuff about kids being forced to change their gender that made me just step away. 

Oh.

Right. I also changed my pronouns to she/he/they and I'm announcing that at church and probably going to thread it through all my working relationships as I'm able. Jet turned me onto this set of pronouns because they had a friend whom everyone was using a different pronoun for, and it turned out that THEY were deliberately doing that because they liked being referred to by all of them, as they felt like they embodied all of them and it wasn't a problem being referred to by them all.

I've always been cheerful about being called, "Sir." I'm tall, I'm Asian. People default to "Sir" (or in one case, "Hey! Buddy!" or I've always been good with the "let's go boys!!!" when gaming). They get terribly taken aback when I open my mouth and sound like a twelve-year-old girl. But I've always wanted to say, "It's okay. I take that as a compliment." It would have been a lot easier (and probably profitable) if I'd been born male. But I'm not so fashed about it that I'll go to all the trouble of changing, either.

And I'm fine if you're more comfortable using my assigned gender at birth. I'm pretty proud of bearing Jet, and that's about as female a function as anyone ever gets.

What's funny is that after going to the doctor's and getting my physical, I found out that because I'd had the hysterectomy, I don't have to do a pap smear OR get a pelvic examination and I was so amazed and grateful! *laughs*  So I qualify for the "they" pretty thoroughly as well.

And I felt good after the physical. I'm in good shape, and I've found remedies for most of the things that plagued me all winter. I'm slowly recovering emotionally from Linda's death and from all the death and loss of the plague years. And the NP said that I should probably go out and get some strength training started. 

Strength training!

I stopped weight lifting when I had the cervical problems, as stressing the shoulder and back muscles was putting me into more pain. I just couldn't conceive of it; but now my doctor was basically telling me to seek it out! And, as predicted, the prednisone pack elevated my blood sugar, so NP isn't taking it as a completely valid result, and told me to just keep doing what I was doing. My "no sugar alone" rule was something she was totally behind, only she called it "No Naked Carbs." So it wasn't just sugar, but all carbs have to come with fat and proteins and it gets absorbed more steadily.

It was nice to have my personal rule validated by someone who knew what she was doing! 

My therapist did the same, as well, saying that my journal processing of my emotions was a really good thing. That just externalizing the emotions, getting them out of my head, would help with a) not thinking about it constantly and b) actually get the emotions felt in order to write them. He really validated what I was doing instinctively or from personal experience as well.

Having both of them do that in the same week was really useful in making me feel like I was actually doing stuff that was going to help me out in the long term and that I could make progress. That the path I was walking wasn't just some wild path in to the dark of the woods, but something more paved by previous experience and know-how.  

So yay for progress!!! 

Comments

[incandescens]

Yay for progress and dreams!

[liralen]

*beams* Yes. YAY!

[tagryn]

* Glad to hear the sleep is going better.

* I'm increasingly of the mind that sugar is a form of legalized drug: high followed by a low, cravings, bad for the taker, etc. For Lent I cut down on my sugar intake dramatically, and it really makes a difference in terms of mood stablization, weight, etc. But eventually, I always seem to come back to it.

* Identity is really interesting, isn't it? And its related to, but not the same as, the labels we choose - or that get chosen for us. And both identity and labels have a power to them, not least in how others relate to us. They're also not stable or frozen...there's a kind of Heisenburg's Principle at work, I think, in that the moment one thinks they have "who I am" nailed down, it's already fluttered off on butterfly wings towards something different, just in the act of living (or even of the knowing), though that difference may take a long time to manifest; it can feel stable, but is it, ever?

Labels are interesting, too: in seemingly a blink the "middle age" label was acquired, without a clear choosing having been made, and soon all of us of a certain age will be "old" people. It's all shorthand for others so they know how to slot us, I suppose...but for ourselves as well? Are other aspects of identity, or labels, any different, in terms of how many are acquired, rather than chosen? And how very much of both are tied to bodies that we didn't have a choice in occupying, and how much will change - or be lost? - when the body ceases to be? In the end, how much is essentially "us," if so much is tied to things that are impermanent?

Probably answers to those questions will differ with each person. And what a wonderful thing that is.

[liralen]

I'm grateful for being able to sleep...

YES! on the sugar. I was coming back to it, but realized I'm going to just have to back off again.

I love your questions about identity and how they can all be answered differently. I'm about to go out and see Michelle Yeoh's Everything Everywhere All At Once, and I'm intrigued but that take on it, too. *laughs* It's going to be an interesting ride, that one.

I love your thoughts. Thank you.