Boundaries

[liralen]

Jet had a much better time, last night, getting to bed than he's had for nearly a week. He seems to really be feeling his four-year-old oats, and is not just pushing boundaries but attacking them with feet and teeth and as much screaming as he can bring in.

The two nights before last night both John and I got treated to crying, screaming, and all kinds of things when it was bed time. The pediatrics book sez it's all normal for a four-year-old and we just have to respond firmly but patiently and not get emotional about any of it. It's not about us, it's about him, really. He really is intentionally disobeying and intensionally stomping over long-set rules and intentionally trying to get us to crack, and, yes, indeed, he's doing his best to make us as mad as possible and, indeed, he's calling me names and swearing at me to get responses. And, no, he doesn't have a clue why he's doing it.

But we'll all feel better if we set down the law and abide by it and, by all means, make those judgment calls on his actions. But, please, don't judge HIM, that leads to therapy later on (as some of us well know).

His worth is not at question. It's just the worth of his actions.

And, man, it's hard to remember that when I have a squealing, crying, screaming, swearing little toddler kicking me in the shins and telling me I'm NOT special and NOT nice!! Uhm. Hm. I guess I have been pretty good about stopping my habitual swearing when around my child when the worst he can say when he's really upset with me is that I'm not special and he is. Hm. I guess it also tells me something that he's couching all his name calling in NOT [some positive thing], too, as if he can't think of a negative word to use in a pinch. Hm. Hadn't thought of it that way until I wrote this down. Interesting.

Anyway... time outs were called. The timer was reset numerous times until he just collapsed, sobbing, into a little heap in the timeout corner, and finally stayed there for the requisite time. And since then life has been much quieter, calmer, and happier. He figured out that, yes, indeed, both Mom and Dad are going to call timeout on such behavior and he may as well not do that. It's no fun.

I'm still amazed at what a simple requirement that one be still in a spot, any spot, can accomplish, and just how MUCH Jet hates something that is the exact opposite of corporeal punishment. Though the whole, sit there and we'll ignore you for a bit might be the trigger. Who knows?

Last night was good, though, and he didn't fight going to bed or any of the usual routine with John. We'll get to see, tonight, if that'll stick with me.

Anyway... I expect more of this in the future. But so it is. I'm just glad that it's taken him most of his fourth year to finally figure out how to act like a typical four-year-old. They say five will be better if we get through this with boundaries intact and keep encouraging his abilities.

Comments

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

My guess on time-outs is that it's simply a punishment... an unquestionable way of saying "you've done something wrong, we know about it, you can't deny it (or, if you do, it won't help you any)" Think of it this way; at four, children are still very self-centered, and in a real sense, "all the world" is acknowledging that Jet did something wrong (because you, John, and he are pretty darn close to "all the world".)

I do remember an incident where I overheard a mother calling to her child. "What have I told you about hitting your brother?"

I had to fill in the imagined response, and didn't quite catch her response to that, but then I heard him in that guilty-child, almost-crying voice "I don't want to be timed-out!"

It always strikes me as a story to remember for parents who think it takes a spanking (or something equivalently harsh) to "get through" to a child. He sounded as upset as I remember being when caught by my parents at having done something wrong.

[liralen.livejournal.com]

It's interesting, as the Positive Discipline book I have says, explicitely, that time-outs shouldn't be used as punishment, but as a time and way and means to pull the charge out of highly emotionally charged situations. A safe place and time (for both the kid and the parent) to just think about what happened and not escalate.

However, the pediatrics book says pretty much what you're saying, that it is a humane and very effective punishment for when an action is unacceptable. Which, now that I think about it is what we've been using it as. And, in my view, seems more realistic, as in the real world, jail time is used a punishment, not just a time to think about what one has done and figure out a better way next time... while keeping that person away from temptation.

[niherlas.livejournal.com]

Another way to think of your "you're NOT nice!" phrases from Jet:

How important is your praise to him? To be told, by you and John, that he's nice, and good, and special? If I don't miss my guess - it's very important to him.

So what's the most dire weapon in his arsenal? Negate those things.

[liralen.livejournal.com]

Ooh. Yeah. I do see that aspect.

It's cool though, too, in that the positives are the most important to him, i.e. negative *things* haven't as much power over him as negating positive things. Interesting...

Thank you!