(no subject)

[liralen]

Enough is enough - and you feel that you've had enough for a while. You don't need any more battles. You just would like to be able to shout "stop" and experience a little peace and calm ... even if it be only for a little while. This doesn't mean that you need to cut yourself off from the rest of the world ... it just means that you are seeking some respite... some physical or emotional relaxation that could release some of the the tension and possibly reduce the internal conflict....

You are a fighter and always on the defensive. You always need to be sure that your position is safe and established. When you finally make a decision you will pursue it to the bitter end in spite of all opposition.

Circumstances are holding you back...forcing you to back off and to forgo all the pleasures, fun and games for the time being. But this is only a temporary situation...and before you even know it...the situation could change....

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied...and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted.Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained...you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust no-body...until they can prove themselves to you.

Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and you are distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationships. You feel you are not appreciated by those who matter to you. You are attempting to escape into a world on which you can relax and feel at ease.

Oddly enough, there is some truth to the feelings there. There are also many balancing 'others' as well. But there is something about 'not really getting to play' in all of that, between work and taking care of Jet, and a lot of it probably stems from feeling like I couldn't go to Dundracon this last weekend. I miss gaming, but I really do love my real life a lot, so that's the balance...

I stopped writing fiction years ago, after several folks have told me that I don't have the skills or abilities to do it. I haven't gamed for a year and a half, now. I haven't even gotten on-line much anymore. Just too many things that seem to require my time and attention, I guess, and I have given up, in some ways. It's odd how much of that this brings out for me, and I wouldn't have said it or even noticed it without this.

It's good to be conscious, though.

Comments

Writing, Giving Up

[risu.livejournal.com]

It is a fine article of faith for me that there are no things liralens do not have the abilities for. Hmph. (This does not mean I think you need to start writing, because you're busy! and have better things to do! but you could if you wanted to.)

I do not know what you mean by 'given up'.

Re: Writing, Giving Up

[liralen.livejournal.com]

Good question.

Hm. I'd given up on ever writing anything that would be published. I think that a combination of M., my sister Kathy (who's a professional technical writer), Geoff (who never actively discouraged me but also never really encouraged me either), a Thomas who was also a professional writer and writing teacher, and a few other folks have critiqued my hopes/wishes/faith in my writing into a state where I just can't care so much about it anymore. And I had to care and love writing to really write fiction, and spend the time and thought and energy on it and not believe it was a 'waste of my time' when there's so many people and realities encouraging my technical work and side.

Carl's always been a force for good in this little conflict. He's always given me encouragement and wonderful egoboo for nearly everything I've written. Your offer a few years ago really helped as well, as it was a complete surprise and just blew my self-concept out of the water for a much nicer one. Trip has much faith in me as well as Ayse, Tara, and Marith. So I'm not completely *hopeless*, it's just... the balance of my self isn't forward enough to go and just do some fiction. John would support me no matter what I do, but he hasn't any experience or skill in the area, and while I feel safest when I'm doing the stuff that he can help me with, this is one of those areas where he simply can't.

I don't know if there are *better* things to do. Creation is such a dear thing. And, maybe 'wanting to' enough is the real trick. And I think I still need to find something internal to me to want to enough.

I'm still... hm... I'm still not whole enough to want things in a good way, yet. I'm still driven, mostly, by external forces. Jet's a good external force, as is John, it's just that I'm still not... hm... emotionally muscular enough? *giggles* To really lift this load, yet, maybe. Fiction is so much a question of what can you bring from yourself? I haven't had a self that long to really get under that. Or I just have given up on trying, may be the reality, for a while. Tired of fighting to do what my heart of hearts really wants to do but keeps feeling like it gets hurt doing.

Re: Writing, Giving Up

[liralen.livejournal.com]

I guess why some of this probably was to the fore is also because my main job, at the moment, is writing up specifications for our engineering group, rather than having some technical writer who doesn't understand the problems or the possible solutions, I'm going around, wrangling information from marketing, the other development groups, and my own engineers and writing up all the things that we're going to do. This works, in effect, as communication with our tech pubs, the testing groups in Ireland, and with the rest of the company, so my writing abilities have been on full-on public display and use.

I get a lot of good feedback on this writing endeavor. It's working, and everyone has complimented me on the quality of the work. So *that* has been really cool.