Yay Horde!
Feb. 22nd, 2002 05:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
liralen*bleh*
Just... *bleh*. tired. That colorgenics thing that said I was tired of fighting was totally correct. Tired of fighting to get things done at work. Tired of being called terrible things that I have to make the effort to see *why* the person called me those things and get into their headspace and figure out what the fuck is going on with them because if I didn't it would hurt me a whole lot more. We're talking more, which has been very useful as the original terrible things weren't as terrible as my endless 'being judged' backbrain told me they were. I am tired of being defensive and not being sure someone cares.
So I took the advice of the stupid color quiz and stopped staying alone.
I visited Trip and tooMUSH and got a good dose of sillyness and a big, nice dose of simply being *wanted*, but not hurting anyone's feelings by not being there much. I needed that badly. It was very good to get.
It seems so easy, on too, with the Horde, to figure that I'm not being judged. I don't know why it's so easy there, and so very hard nearly everywhere else.
John and I get to go out to dinner, probably at Casa de Mina (good Mexican food, they make their own mole) with an ex-coworker who was both once a minion of mine and a boss of mine, his wife and his kids are going to watch Jet while we eat. All kinds of goodness in one swoop. I hope that makes me feel better for the weekend. I think it should.
Just... *bleh*. tired. That colorgenics thing that said I was tired of fighting was totally correct. Tired of fighting to get things done at work. Tired of being called terrible things that I have to make the effort to see *why* the person called me those things and get into their headspace and figure out what the fuck is going on with them because if I didn't it would hurt me a whole lot more. We're talking more, which has been very useful as the original terrible things weren't as terrible as my endless 'being judged' backbrain told me they were. I am tired of being defensive and not being sure someone cares.
So I took the advice of the stupid color quiz and stopped staying alone.
I visited Trip and tooMUSH and got a good dose of sillyness and a big, nice dose of simply being *wanted*, but not hurting anyone's feelings by not being there much. I needed that badly. It was very good to get.
It seems so easy, on too, with the Horde, to figure that I'm not being judged. I don't know why it's so easy there, and so very hard nearly everywhere else.
John and I get to go out to dinner, probably at Casa de Mina (good Mexican food, they make their own mole) with an ex-coworker who was both once a minion of mine and a boss of mine, his wife and his kids are going to watch Jet while we eat. All kinds of goodness in one swoop. I hope that makes me feel better for the weekend. I think it should.
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good luck to you, sweetie.
Date: 2002-02-22 05:06 pm (UTC)Re: good luck to you, sweetie.
Date: 2002-02-24 01:47 pm (UTC)And thank you, so much, for the good wishes.
What's funnier is realizing, after I was wrestling with this so hard that, well, actually, the person in question really *was* labeling me, judging me and trying to dismiss me for his own emotional reasons. Doh.
Just 'cause I lack self-esteem and get down on myself doesn't mean that no one judges anyway. *grin*
Re: good luck to you, sweetie.
Date: 2002-02-24 01:48 pm (UTC)Re: good luck to you, sweetie.
Date: 2002-02-24 01:53 pm (UTC)Okay. So I am getting one, gradually, as people have said the same often enough that I am finding that there is some of me that can finally set its feet down and say that.
Still needs work. I still need work figuring out how to stand up for myself in that way. In some ways, this particular exchange was *so* out there I could actually figure out what was just plain wrong, and the separation of me from someone's view of me from their own perspective was far easier.
The Horde
Date: 2002-02-22 08:28 pm (UTC)Rebecca
Re: The Horde
Date: 2002-02-24 01:48 pm (UTC)hugs, Rebecca, that makes me scared and bemused and happy, too, in odd ways.
no subject
Date: 2002-02-23 06:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-02-24 01:49 pm (UTC)Yeah, you're right. I guess it's nice to be judged and simply not found wanting, or even to be liked for myself, rather to be constantly weighed and found wanting.
*hugs* Trip and thanks for the safe haven.
I dunno about anyone else but
Date: 2002-02-25 02:34 am (UTC)Re: I dunno about anyone else but
Date: 2002-02-25 08:46 am (UTC)