A Difficult Book

[liralen]

So our CEO gave everyone this book called, Difficult Conversations last week and there have been all kinds of jokes about the book going on around the office. No one likes being told what to read or what can help them, I guess.

But everyone got a copy in their mail, and I, wordaholic that I am, started reading it just 'cause it was in front of me.

It was hard to read.

Mostly because the examples they had in the book probably reflected every difficult, argumentative and hard conversation I've had in my life. It was oddly a relief to know that everyone has these kinds of conversations and has them blow up so completely, and also oddly stressful and terrifying, in some ways, to read these things because of all the hooks they had into old conversations that I never felt that good about. The first third of the book was incredibly hard for me to read.

Until I hit the 'know your tendency' bit about some folks tend to blame others and other folks tend to soak up blame. I suddenly tied in the fact that I really, truly soak up blame partially because I believe that if I know that I was at fault then I can do something about it in the future. But I realize, now, that I nearly always go too far in that, especially when I'm talking with someone who really tends to want to blame others. I knew it in vague ways before it was stated so plainly, but now it's pretty damned clear.

It was odd to realize that and realize that a lot of my discomfort in reading this stuff was because I was going back to all those old conversations and thinking, "Damn... I fucked that up..." and at the same time I was also thinking, "Why do *I* have to do all the work all the time?" add to that all the old emotions of "But I can't care so much when I get hurt so badly." With the additional information, it was clear that while I have made mistakes, it isn't up to me to fix them *all* and I can't go back in time and I can do better with the people that really do care to listen to me and that lifted the worst of the reaction. Whew.

I've always thought arguments were pointless, and I've realized in the past that on the most part, whenever I've been in a strenuous argument with anyone all it does is harden each person in their position. I always thought it was just human nature and always felt kind of sick and guilty about fighting, but never really figured out *why*. This book finally gave me the key as to *why*. There are far more important and interesting things to figure out in a conversation with someone than who is 'right' or 'wrong' or 'to blame'... and it was really cool to get a concrete feeling as to why and exactly what those more useful, constructive things are and why there are so many people I really enjoy talking with. Whew.

I also realized why I actually have no problems even talking about sometimes delicate stuff with most people, but there have been three or four people that have made me feel like it was all my fault that we couldn't seem to talk about anything without a fight. While I did do stuff to escalate what was happening, it isn't just me, and it was especially important to me to figure out to really look at the fact that there are many other people that I am comfortable talking with and whom are very, very comfortable talking with me about stuff they never could talk about with anyone else. Balancing the reality of my relationships and interactions against how a few people decide to see me. But now I can see why they decided some of that, too. That was very cool to learn.

So I'd recommend this book to anyone that is terrified of talking to *someone* about something they don't want to hear.

Comments

[rmd.livejournal.com]

yow. i'll definitely put that on my list of books, then.

sounds good.

[koogrr.livejournal.com]

interesting...
Reminds me of a book I saw called "The Art of Verbal Self Defense." Also, mostly about winning or not losing arguments. I'll have to check it out.

Picking Fights

[tamago.livejournal.com]

It took me a long time to figure out that some people go into a conversation intending to pick a fight (conciously or unconciously.) Does this book talk about that? Sometimes I just give them their fight so they can get it over with, and sometimes I defuse them and leave them twitchy and ready to take it out on the next person. I'm never sure what's right. That's one of the most difficult things about conversations for me.

[niherlas.livejournal.com]

Sounds interesting, Liralen.

12 years or so ago I was making the transition from being a student employee to full-time staff at Ohio State. My references praised me quite well - but one point always came up: "Jim tends to speak his mind, sometimes pretty tactlessly." Heh. It surprises people these days when I tell them that I'm now much, ah, mellower and tactful than I was then. Needless to say, I've taken various versions of "How To Deal With Difficult People" seminars a couple times during my professional career. But it's been a long time since a refresher - and this book sounds good in that it doesn't put the onus on reader to be a Better Person. Thanks.

[zamiel.livejournal.com]

I am leary, for a horde of reasons, of seminars/books/trends/fads that downplay the fact that 99% of the time, someone is right and someone is wrong in a disagreement. The facts are what the facts are, and no amount of touchy-feely goodness will change that, well, fact.

But then I'm a highly analytical, confrontational, challenge-based personality, just the kind of person management hierarchies need more of but are terrified of, and want to defuse with books like Difficult Conversations.

[liralen.livejournal.com]

Thinking about it, I've never been afraid of technical conversations.

The conversations that I'm afraid of are the relationship and emotional conversations. The 'Mom, we're not making it to your house for Christmas' conversations, the 'why do you do that, it makes me so mad' conversations. That's what I found this book to be really helpful with.

Also, as I get more and more into the murkier depths of being more manager than engineering, everything becomes more about relationships and getting an understanding rather than right and wrong. It's murkier, less clear, far more challanging, now, and far more useful for my engineers to have me clear the path to start. I'm more *useful* talking to a bunch of people and getting real requirements and writing a specification so my guys don't have to hunt around and try to get answers out of people that don't have to talk to them. They have to talk to me, and I find that both useful and sometimes really hard, because I can't just blow them off, as it makes everything that much more difficult for my people.

It's more about long term consequences and doing the job that has to be done. It's interesting knowing that my context has changed that way.